happy march 12.

i hope this nice spring day brings you

 as much happiness as it does for me.

love, j

the truth.

is that i have absolutely no idea what i'm doing.

sometimes i feel good and i think i can let life go as it will.

and other times i think that i just wish i could know what's going to happen.

because part of me still loves him as much as i always have if not more.

and another part of me is hurt that i'm not quite sure who he is anymore.

a really big part of me knows that i just need to go.
to learn to love to grow.

and another part of me thinks about what if.

mostly i just listen to christmas music.
mixed in with taylor swifts cd.

and i miss my best friends.
and i spend all but my sleeping hours at the library.

so although i know i'll get through this crazy time of life.
because when have i ever not made it through stronger than i used to be.

i'm just really not sure how to live life right now.

because phone calls are so so nice.
and sometimes they make things more complicated.

and there's no way that i'm putting my life on hold just because he's home.

but reminding myself of that is hard sometimes.

because i think i could be happy either way.

and i know that i could grow and learn and work no matter what.

so right now life goes different than i had planned.

but only in some ways.

because in others i'm still preparing.
and reading. and learning.

i'm just doing it with completely different thoughts running through my head.

but god has always prepared me for everything.
it's just that i'm not sure what's going to be a part of my future anymore.

love and hurt and my heart and mind wanting to do different things.
is just part of life right now i guess.

love, j.

a girl who just needs to see her mom and dad.
and her two best friends.

and for finals to be over.

endure.

pray for him.
will you?
he needs it more than ever.

love, j.

life is different.

but life is good.

it's made of feelings that i've never felt before.
of sadness and happiness all at the same time.
and of the unknown and the known.
it's little blessings and big ones.
and years spent together.
and years spent apart.
it's made of love and friendships.
and of knowing that today is the day
that changes the rest of my life.

happy halloween all.

love, j.

hey you.

"someone is going to need you and who you are." (via.)

i know it.

and i just want you to know it too.

love, j.

via.

at what point.

do you finally let go
and realize the tool he's become.

stop wishing the worst for the other girl
that he chose over you.

does your heart stop hurting.
and the tears that he doesn't even deserve stop coming.

at what point do you grow up
and move on?

please let it be soon.

love, j.

i learned.

from him i learned
to laugh at life.
and to always be yourself.
because it makes every situation better.

from him i learned
to make the best out of every situation.
even when it's crappier than not.

from him i learned
to get my head on straight.
because knowing what's going on
is better than not.
and that knowing basketball.
always makes you cooler.

from him i learned
that him and i could have been best friends.
if we were just at a different stage in life.
but we're not.
and we still had some great talks anyway.

from him i learned
to study hard.
and that even though you're known as "the mom"
it's okay to be the clean one sometimes.

from him i learned
never to lie
even if the lie will make you fit in
or make you sound cooler.
it's never okay.
you're cooler if you don't.

from him i learned
that being good.
is good.
and to not be embarrassed of it.

i'm going to miss them.
and everything that they've taught me.
who knew that leaving my first year
of college was going to be so bitter sweet.

lotr.

love, j.

dancing away with my heart.

"for me you'll always be 18 and beautiful and dancing away with my heart."

here's to that night one year ago.

one of the best of my life.

love, j.

it was green week.

and it was kind of fun :)

love, j.

"taking 45 minutes to kiss goodnight."

today makes it two years.

 that's how long a mission is.
and that scares me.

it's weird to think back to that day.
and to see that in ways
that was the beginning of this all.
of so much of what we've gone through.
and learning that what we've learned
our whole lives really is true.

we've grown a lot though since then.
both together and apart.

the spirit has taught us lots.
and we've moved on to new chapters of our lives.

but we've had to deal with a lot.
and it's only made us stronger.
and that's what gives me hope.
when all of this is so hard.
and it seems like that was so long ago.

happy two years michael.
i hope you make it a good one.
because i sure am.
even though we're hours apart.

love, j.

all i know

is that i'm happy when i'm with him.
and i don't really know much else than that.
because we're at a crappy situation in life right now.
and we've got a lot of waiting left to do.
and we're not really sure what we are anymore.
because we like spending time together.
and making each other laugh.
but we're both at different places in life right now.
and that makes things complicated.
but you know what?
i still get a smile on my face when he texts me.
and a secret that he doesn't know is that
whenever i'm sad and i think i'm not going to make it,
i ask him to tell me a secret.
and his secrets always make me feel better.
and even though i tell him all the time.
i'm not sure that he really knows how much he does for me.
because at times when i think this all isn't for me.
he reminds me that everything happens for a reason.
and that we both need to look at the good in life.
even when that means that we still miss each other.
and that we both do things without each other.
because we hope that one day.
we'll do new things together.
and get to experience life together.
instead of life an hour and a half apart.
and soon whole countries apart.
so here's to having him in my life.
and honestly not knowing how it's going to turn out.

love, j.

president's day weekend.

we stopped at yogurtland on our way home.

oh how i've missed peanut butter
with strawberry and cheesecake bites.

mol, aust and i went to trafalga.

i won.

but i think this picture shows that better.

hahaha :)

p.s. he's great. we all started off right where we had left off.

i guess that happens when you're best friends.

and. he's soo excited for his mission.

and i'm excited for him.

 i'm obsessed. thank you netflix.

 i finally saw this.

and i loved it.

and this is soo cute.

i'm a hopeless romantic. but still. go see it. you'll love it.

basically if this was all tangerine chicken then this would be

what i got at joy luck's in bountiful for only $9.

i think it could have fed me for a week.

jamie. jake. mikey. matt. nate. molly.

 this is them. some of the boys from C6.

they invited us to go midnight bowling with them.

(and i have the best sister in the world who paid for me)

it was soo much fun.

i love bowling. and i love them. 

win win.

i hope your long weekend was fabulous as well.

love, j.

i'm proud of him.

for doing what the spirit prompted him to do.
even though it was hard.
and it still is.
especially in utah county.
where you get judged for it.
without people even knowing the reason.

i'm proud of him.
for getting a job.
and going to work everyday.
and not sitting around.
and being a bum.
like he easily could be.

i'm proud of him.
for reading his scriptures.
and going to church.
for being an example to his roommate.
even if he doesn't know it.

i'm proud of him.
for being willing to take the steps to go back.
especially when it's so hard.
and he has to take all the crap for it.
for choosing to be worthy while he's there.
and for forever after.

i'm proud of him.
for letting me stay in his life.
when i know it can't be easy.
especially when he's the one who has to comfort me.
and remind me that everything's okay.

i'm proud of him.
for still doing cute things for me.
and for trying to be his best self.
for still making the effort.
and for being willing to "go with me."
and pray for himself to know too.
when i'm prompted by the spirit.
and we have to make hard decisions.

i'm proud of him.
for making decisions for himself.
when so many others are telling him what they think he should do.
even me and my opinionated self.

i'm proud of him.
for forgiving me.
for saying sorry.
and for still being my best friend.
when i needed him the most.

God placed him in my life for a reason.
and everything between us happens for a reason.
even if those reasons are hard to see now.

love, j.

we love temple square.

It will always make it onto our Holiday To-Do List

for December.

Love, J.

also, here's to a new nba season.
and watching more basketball
than we even did before. 

words with friends.

I miss playing this game.

with a certain boy.

 Love, J.

"The first time you ever saw me cry."

- Taylor Swift

Love, J.

parks.

Yesterday I got to have "my day" with parker.
I thought it was cute that he had to schedule me in because everyone wants to spend their time with him.
That's just how our parker is though. He's always been there. For all of us.
I don't know how he does it, but he does.
He's never let me down.
There's something about him that makes me be able to tell him anything.
Even the things that I've been too afraid to tell anyone else.

We both have the pass of all pass so we thought we might as well use them and we went miniature golfing.
Then he bought me a snowcone where they know him as "marc."
After, we sat in his car and just talked.
It was a good talk.
One that was worthy of being the last one for two years.

He's cute that parker.
I met him because I went to one of his soccer games and they all thought I was there for him.
It's fine.
I wish I would have been there for him.
Then in 8th grade history I thought two boys were cute.
He was one of them.
I wonder what would have happened if I would have gone and sat by him instead.
Who knows.
I'm going to miss him.
I told him he's going to be one of the ones that I miss the most. And it's true.

He's always been one who can make me smile even when everything is going wrong.
He's going to be such a good missionary.
I can't wait to hear all about it.

And.
I do secretly want to marry him.

Love, J.

to us.

"We are making this summer unforgettable. We are going to take chances and do
things we wouldn't normally do. Be outgoing, have fun and never second guess ourselves.
Every day is going to be spent doing what we want do, and every night were
going to go to bed smiling because this summer. This summer is to us."

Love, J.

i'll be cheering for ya on the sidelines.

I just read whitney's blog.

That last line..

Perfect.

Exactly what I needed to hear.

I can't count how many games

(football, basketball, flag football..)

I've cheered for him from the sidelines.

Little did I know though,

that it hasn't ended yet.

Now I just get to do it from a different continent.

I think this will be even better than basketball season though

And that's saying something coming from me

:)

I think it will make us grow even more.

And I'm excited to see how.


Love, J.

P.S. Lets enjoy them while we're they're here :)

happy birthday you.

Tomorrow is Michael's birthday.

He'll be 19.

Weird.

We went to dinner.

And to the movies.

It was fun.

I decided that was better than getting him something.

Because what are you supposed to get a boy for his birthday that's leaving on his mission soon?

I didn't know.
So I figured a memory was better than anything.

Celebrate those that you love.

Even if it's not their birthday :)

Love, J.