the truth.

is that i have absolutely no idea what i'm doing.

sometimes i feel good and i think i can let life go as it will.

and other times i think that i just wish i could know what's going to happen.

because part of me still loves him as much as i always have if not more.

and another part of me is hurt that i'm not quite sure who he is anymore.

a really big part of me knows that i just need to go.
to learn to love to grow.

and another part of me thinks about what if.

mostly i just listen to christmas music.
mixed in with taylor swifts cd.

and i miss my best friends.
and i spend all but my sleeping hours at the library.

so although i know i'll get through this crazy time of life.
because when have i ever not made it through stronger than i used to be.

i'm just really not sure how to live life right now.

because phone calls are so so nice.
and sometimes they make things more complicated.

and there's no way that i'm putting my life on hold just because he's home.

but reminding myself of that is hard sometimes.

because i think i could be happy either way.

and i know that i could grow and learn and work no matter what.

so right now life goes different than i had planned.

but only in some ways.

because in others i'm still preparing.
and reading. and learning.

i'm just doing it with completely different thoughts running through my head.

but god has always prepared me for everything.
it's just that i'm not sure what's going to be a part of my future anymore.

love and hurt and my heart and mind wanting to do different things.
is just part of life right now i guess.

love, j.

a girl who just needs to see her mom and dad.
and her two best friends.

and for finals to be over.

a place.

it's weird to me how one day this place was just one of the fifty states.
a place that never ever crossed my mind.
and in one day, one really really hard day,
it became this place that fills up so much of my heart.
a place that i've still never been to but that i think about all the time.
a place that i have no idea what it looks like,
a place that's weather and people and scenery is unknown to me
but yet I have such peace about.
it's so so comforting to know the heavenly father knows me personally
and knew just what to do to let me feel that peace
and to know that every little thing is going to be alright.
love, j.

blessings.

that's when i asked Him to not give me any.

but to give them all to him. 

all of them.

because as hard as this is for me.

he needs them so much more.

he's doing so much more than me.

being strong.

and doing what he wants.

and what he needs all at the same time.

sometimes i realize i don't even know him.

i only know this tiny little part of him.

but i'm grateful for that little part that i know.

because it taught me how to be selfless.

and to forgive. quickly.

quicker than i ever can.

to grab my hand when i cry.

and to brush my tears away when they come.

he taught me that life is hard.

but that we're made to do hard things.

and although there's no way i could get through life.

even one day or even one hour or one minute

without some sort of blessing from the lord.

i pray that he'll get all that he needs. 

maybe even some of mine.

because that's how much he means to me.

and how important what he's doing is.

love, j.

letters.

i forgot how easily
that one piece of paper
in that special colored envelope
can make this girl feel better.

especially when it's a whole
week earlier than expected.

love, j.

dancing.

"tonight i'm gonna dance for all that we've been through.
but i don't wanna dance if i'm not dancing with you.
tonight i'm gonna dance like you were in the next room.
but i don't wanna dance if i'm not dancing with you."
- taylor swift

love, j.

life is different.

but life is good.

it's made of feelings that i've never felt before.
of sadness and happiness all at the same time.
and of the unknown and the known.
it's little blessings and big ones.
and years spent together.
and years spent apart.
it's made of love and friendships.
and of knowing that today is the day
that changes the rest of my life.

happy halloween all.

love, j.

half of my heart.

"half of my heart's got a grip on the situation.
half of my heart takes time.
half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you
that i can't keep loving you.
oh, with half of my heart"
- john mayer and taylor swift

so maybe half of our hearts are still somewhere else.
with someone else.
and maybe we decided that that's okay.
for the time being at least.

love, j.

is it my fault.

we've been missing each other?
- imagine dragons

love, j.

i won't let go.

He wanted this to be one our songs.

and I wasn't quite sure why.

The other day it came on shuffle on my ipod.

and I really listened to the words.

I don't know that there's a better song for our situation right now.

and I'm extremely grateful that he wanted it to be ours so many months ago.

because it's helping me more than ever right now.

thanks, you.

you do things everyday that get me through these hard times.

even the little things like this song.

i love you.

love, j.

you're there&i'm here.

"Have you ever been alone in a crowded room?"

- Jack's Mannequin

Oh yeah, today when I was eating breakfast and my engaged roommate was cuddling on the beanbag with her fiance and my other roommate who should be engaged was cuddling on the couch with her boyfriend.

Where was Shelbie when I needed her in yet another one of my awkward situations. :)

Love, J.

i got the best advice.

from my daddy over the weekend.

he asked me how i was doing.

and i just started crying.

he gave me a hug.

and then he told me that

"it just takes time."

and then we talked.

and he told me exactly what i needed to hear.

he understands what i'm going through.

and i would have never guessed that.

he explained the deep hurt that i feel.

and he told me that it's because of love.

he's so supportive.

and i'm thankful for him.

i love him with all of my heart.

thank you dad :)

love always, mimi

nobody knows

why I think I need to keep checking my phone.

there's never anything new.

never a new text from him.

maybe we should have considered what texting all day would do to me.

it's fine.

Love, J.

dear fall break.

At first I thought boo you for coming when you did.
For not coming a week earlier so that I could have spent it with him.
but then I realized that even though it sucked to come home just hours after he went in
I'm glad that I get to be home.
That I can cry while sitting at my kitchen table and not worry that I'm bugging people.
That I can have my parents to talk to me about it and to tell me it's okay.
And that I can have the temple up the hill to go to.
That I can not have that homesick feeling on top of it all.
And that I can feel loved and have my meals made for me.
Just for a few days so that I can get in control of my emotions again.
That my sister and I can go on a bike ride to the post office to deliver my very first letter.
And that two of my very favorite people on this earth could find me there
and give me flowers. and make my day by being there for me.
That I can send a cute little package while I'm here.
And hope that maybe it will make things a little easier for him.
Because I'm glad that being here makes it easier for me to deal with it all.
Where I know that I can be myself and where I can feel the spirit.

So, thank you fall break for coming when you did.

I know everything's happening to me just the way it's supposed to.

Love, J.

i'm thankful.

//for older brothers who are willing in the first place to take me home at ten thirty at night so that I could have as much time as I could with him. and then don't get mad when I come home late anyway.

//for knowing that it wasn't goodbye forever.

//for best friends who know just when to text me to talk about just what I need to.

//for new friends who let me copy their notes because I missed three days of class.

//for families that let me in and make me part of them even though I'm not.

//for fun card games with that family.

//for a mom who sees me crying and hugs me and says "think about something else. it's hard but it will all be okay."

//for a hug and a kiss tonight. and for i love you.

//for i'll see you in two years.

//for motivation. to exercise. to do homework. to continue on.

//for lessons that teach me not to judge.

//for opportunities that are soo hard but that make me stronger.

//for new songs. <holding out for a hero - ella mae bowen>

//for time alone.

//for being able to call and text him still.

//for watching movies in class.

// for goals. to be better.

//for knowing that everything will work out the way it's supposed to.

love. j.

i wish you were here.

I wish that you could be here when I'm sad
and tell me that everything is okay.

I wish that you could be here when I'm happy
and that you could be happy with me.

I wish that you could walk back from my classes with me.
And we could do our homework together.

I wish I could snuggle with you on the couch
and put my cold feet under you so that I could get warm faster.

I wish that we could go for walks around town
and watch movies together.

I wish that being apart from each other wasn't so hard.

because I miss you babe.

Love, J.

some days.

Sometimes it’s not that I can’t explain how I’m feeling.

It’s that I honestly have no idea what I’m feeling.

And that’s when I cry.

And I can’t understand what’s going on with me.

But it’s happened before.

And it will all work out.

As it did before.

I like to understand.

And I like to know.

And I’m working on my patience.

And absence makes me get irritated.

Always right before the return home.

I don’t know why.

But.

God has never let me cry  and not understand without letting it be for the best.

And I trust Him.

And that’s all that matters right now.

And that's why when one of your best friends takes the time to text you back.

It makes your day better.

And you know that they're still in your life because they're supposed to be.

And because they've always been a blessing.

Some days.

Aren't so bad after all.

:)

Love.

Always.

J.