the truth.

is that i have absolutely no idea what i'm doing.

sometimes i feel good and i think i can let life go as it will.

and other times i think that i just wish i could know what's going to happen.

because part of me still loves him as much as i always have if not more.

and another part of me is hurt that i'm not quite sure who he is anymore.

a really big part of me knows that i just need to go.
to learn to love to grow.

and another part of me thinks about what if.

mostly i just listen to christmas music.
mixed in with taylor swifts cd.

and i miss my best friends.
and i spend all but my sleeping hours at the library.

so although i know i'll get through this crazy time of life.
because when have i ever not made it through stronger than i used to be.

i'm just really not sure how to live life right now.

because phone calls are so so nice.
and sometimes they make things more complicated.

and there's no way that i'm putting my life on hold just because he's home.

but reminding myself of that is hard sometimes.

because i think i could be happy either way.

and i know that i could grow and learn and work no matter what.

so right now life goes different than i had planned.

but only in some ways.

because in others i'm still preparing.
and reading. and learning.

i'm just doing it with completely different thoughts running through my head.

but god has always prepared me for everything.
it's just that i'm not sure what's going to be a part of my future anymore.

love and hurt and my heart and mind wanting to do different things.
is just part of life right now i guess.

love, j.

a girl who just needs to see her mom and dad.
and her two best friends.

and for finals to be over.

today.

i'm finding out more and more that life never turns out how i expected.
or even how i planned.

there's someone watching greys anatomy on the top floor of the library.
how do they have time for that?
the rest of us are here this early because we have something called finals to take.

my sister got her mission call today.
and i'm not sure that i've ever been more excited to find out where someone is going to spend the next year and a half of their life than now.

my roommates know everything about my life.
and i've never been this open with almost anyone before.

taylor swift's album red?
been on repeat everyday for the past week of my life.

but today i realized that i'm missing this short time to listen to christmas music.
and taylor swift has a holiday album..
perfect.

but really justin beiber's christmas song, drummer boy.
awesome.
we're kind of into the rap stage at my apartment right now.

conference talks.
phone calls.
picture quotes.
putting everything into homework.
realizing that i'm a little too dramatic sometimes.
best friends.
and being just friends.

makes life a whole lot easier.
even if it is "complicated" right now.

so good luck on finals.
although i need that a lot more than any of you.

school sucks.
but is totally worth it.

happy wednesday.

love, j.

the library.

the library became this place of refuge for me today.
it meant that people saw me cry.
and saw those red blotchy cheeks afterwards too.

it's where my roommates stayed with me.
and kept a smile on my face.
it's where they gave me the much needed hugs.
and gave me some of the best advice.

it was in that glass room that i cried harder than i have in a long time.
and that i talked to my mom about my weaknesses.
and the heart break that's never been more real to me.

it's where i read the scriptures.
and prayed my hardest.

it's where i talked to my best friend.
and she was there for me more than ever before.

it's where i worked on homework all day long.
because he's just not worth it not to.

it's where i felt the pain of anger to hurt to emptiness.
and where i felt my entire life change.

it's where i cried in the bathroom.
and realized that everyone is going through something hard.

it's where i was because i just couldn't stand to be alone.
and where i let the tears fall freely.

it's where i'll never think of the same again.
and where i'm going to start my life over again.
where people full of worry for finals.
and people taking surveys and making videos for missions are.

it's where i felt my lowest.
and saw so many blessings in my life.

it's where i listened to taylor swift all day.
while my phone charged and i thought a lot about life.

it's where i still am.
and where i don't want to leave.
because i'm not sure i'm strong enough to face life today.
or any day for that matter.
but it's where i'll leave.
with the best roommates this girl could ask for.
and where i'll make new memories to forget this one.

the library is a lot more than a place full of books.
and quiet spots to me today.
it's where my life is happening.
and where i'm letting all of my feelings out.

love, j.

questions.

there's a lot of questions in my life.

like why has molly always been with me my first of big changes in school?

and why is jenny my room roommate now?

or how in the world did it end up that heather is even in our apartment?

and why a year ago was i here when he called?

and how did it end up so perfectly that i was by myself outside of the car?

why was i home on a tuesday and a wednesday this year?

and why did i get to spend those last days with him?

why is my life so busy busy busy right now?

and why do i wear this ring that says "be still."

but you know what?

i don't need an answer to any of them.

because i know that "coincidences are when god chooses to remain anonymous." - elder donaldson 

and that's good enough for me.

love, j.

is it because i'm in college.

that whenever i eat i don't want my food to end.
and that i would rather snack than have to fix an actual meal.

that i miss home cooked meals so so much.
and when my roommate let me eat some of her soup it made me feel good inside.

that i realized how lazy i really am.
and that it takes everything i have to not watch netflix or get on pinterest every free second that i have.

that there's just not enough hours in the day.
because there's always something in the back of my mind that i could be doing.

that i want to call my mom every time i walk home from class.
and that i miss being able to sit on her office floor and talk about life.

that my roommates and i comment on the same picture on facebook.
while we're sitting at the kitchen table right next to each other.

that the weekends are the only thing that gets me through the week.
and that somehow college classes seem a lot shorter than high school ones.

that tuesday wednesday and thursday really do go by fast.
especially because today is thursday.

that i wonder where pandora has been all my life.
especially the piano stations that help me stay focused in the library.

that my institute manual is the textbook i look forward to reading the most.
and that tests seem like the worst thing in the world.

that getting on an eating schedule and exercising.
really do make all the difference.

and that honestly this is some of the best times in my life.
and that i only have the best times to come.

happy thursday.

love, j.

hey,

go away.
after last year i just wanted to start fresh.
i wanted to learn how to live in the moment.
and i was just starting to get the hang of it.
and then you came along.
and you brought all of that stress back.
and you made me question what i want all over again.
i know this is where i'm supposed to be.
and what i'm supposed to be doing.
i mean when i chose to come here did i think that i
would be going to class from six thirty to nine every
night and ruining my social life? no. but i know it's
what i'm supposed to be doing. and that's the only
reason that it's not so hard to say no and to miss out
on all of those opportunities.
and would i have had the chance to have this calling
anywhere else? i'm not even sure i'm qualified to have
it here. if qualified is even the right word. but i know
that it's right. and having these two years to continue
to figure out my life is exactly what i needed. but to
make me do it all over again. and so soon.
i'm just not sure i want that right now.
so if you could just head the other direction.
and just give me some more time.
or even just give me my answers and put me out of
all of this stress and wondering.
that would be awesome.

and by the way even though everything that i'm
asking for really isn't possible.
thanks anyway.
i guess life always has a way of working itself out in the end.

love, j.
a girl who just isn't quite sure what to do with her future.

happy list.

so when life and satan have got you down.

and you’re focusing more on how you still don’t know what you want to major in.

or where you want to transfer next.

and you’re just having one of those days

where the homesick is conquering everything else.

and you're wondering is it even possible for you to live more than an hour and a half away from home.

make a happy list.

and remember things like how more than anything you trust God.

because He knows that you’re a planner and that this patience thing is killing you.

and that even if it’s one of the hardest things you’ve ever had to do you know that when the time is right and in His own way, the way that’s just right for you, He’ll make sure you’re on the right path.

and remember even the little things like that your sister and mom still play those silly phone games with you.

and that your mom made peanut butter balls with white chocolate chips just for you.

that he gives you a ride to class everyday because he genuinely cares about you not walking home in the dark.

and that when you’re locked out of your apartment and those boys invite you to go to walmart with them that it’s some of the best times that you’ll have all year. because it’s the little things that really matter.

and that maybe that’s one of the biggest things that you’re supposed to learn here, in this little smelly town that you’ve learned to love so so much, that it’s those little things from home that you miss and it’s those little things from here that will make these two years always have a place in your heart.

because roommates are great. and they'll listen and remind you to be your best self.

even when it's reminding you to stop being a debbie downer. and they'll laugh and make doing homework or just walking home from class a better time.

and living on your own, and seeing your money go less and less is teaching you lessons that you'll never learn anywhere else.

so when life gets you down.

take it one thing at a time.

and remember.

that God has a plan for you.

that He'll never forget you.

and that He's doing what's best for you.

and i think that just might make you feel a little bit better.

love, j.

i don't think so.

so when you're thinking that life kind of sucks
because everyone went to richfield without you
and then at your training the stake president looks
right at you and says, "your time sacrificed in this
calling will be made up socially, in your school
work, and in all aspects of your life."

i don't think it was a coincidence.

love, j.

roommates.

“In friendship ... we think we have chosen our peers. [But] in reality a few years'
difference in the dates of our births, a few more miles between certain houses, the choice
of one university [over] another ... the accident of a topic being raised or not raised at a
first meeting—any of these chances might have kept us apart. But, for a Christian, there
are, strictly speaking, no chances. A secret master of ceremonies has been at work.
Christ, who said to the disciples, 'Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you,' can
truly say to every group of Christian friends, 'Ye have not chosen one another but I have
chosen you for one another.' The friendship is not a reward for our discriminating …
good taste in finding one another out. [But] it is the instrument by which God reveals to
each of us the beauties of others.” - C.S. Lewis

so so blessed with my roommates this year.
we've only been here for a week and a half
and we already feel like we've known each
other forever.

that doesn't mean that it's not hard.
and that we don't hate each other sometimes.
but it means that the Lord has put us
in apartment c5 for a reason.
and we're here to figure out what all those
reasons and lessons are.

love, j.

life is good.

and life was good

when i walked into 

the dark bedroom

crawled into my bed

and was happy that 

she was my roommate

that this is the the life 

that i'm living now.

that i knew that everything

would turn out the way 

it's supposed to.

and that i'm where i'm

supposed to be.

despite all the heart breaks

and trials.

love, j.

embrace life.

my roommates and i have been having lots
of heart to hearts lately.
mainly about boys.
and about learning to live in the moment of now.
about how this time of life is the best.
and the worst at the same time.
because we're free to have fun and party.
and meet new friends every day.
but about how really our next goal in life is
that temple marriage.
and someone that we love more than life itself.
and waiting for that is hard.
because is it ever really going to happen.
are we ever going to meet someone.
and we'll just click.
and without even knowing it we'll be as
comfortable with each other as it's taken
me in six years to be with him.
the one that i have to let go.
or is the pretty roommate going to keep
getting all the boys. and we'll be stuck
wishing that the cute ones liked us.
and wanted our numbers.
and our life wasn't most accurately described
by the ecard that says a list of all the boys
that want to date me. and it's blank.

but life isn't a pity party.
it's fun.
and we're in college.
and we're determined to love life.
now.
for what it is.
and what it isn't.

so read this quote.
and this girls blog.
because good things are found everywhere.
when we take the time to enjoy
the little things.

"embrace the current season
of your life."

gabrielle blair

       via.

love, j.

one. two. three.

baby don't think twice just like that you got a brand new life. - you gonna fly - keith urban

 snow creme tuesday.

 the spring.

 sanpete county fair.

 sanpete county rodeo.

 a quick little trip to richfield.

complete with punch bags.

 before the foam dance.

 first football game.

eight people smashed in one truck to gunnison.

six generations.

and i was worried to come back.

week one: success.

love, j.

try.

when the goings get hard,
God has people that He
relies on, that He knows
He can trust to follow the 
Spirit to help out His
children.

"Saw this and started to think about you and how much I've already missed you this week. Love you - Dad"

i love you too dad. thank you. this was exactly what i needed.

love, j.

goodbye.

when you said "i'll see you guys in two"
i really hope you meant it.


we miss you already.

love, j.

i learned.

from him i learned
to laugh at life.
and to always be yourself.
because it makes every situation better.

from him i learned
to make the best out of every situation.
even when it's crappier than not.

from him i learned
to get my head on straight.
because knowing what's going on
is better than not.
and that knowing basketball.
always makes you cooler.

from him i learned
that him and i could have been best friends.
if we were just at a different stage in life.
but we're not.
and we still had some great talks anyway.

from him i learned
to study hard.
and that even though you're known as "the mom"
it's okay to be the clean one sometimes.

from him i learned
never to lie
even if the lie will make you fit in
or make you sound cooler.
it's never okay.
you're cooler if you don't.

from him i learned
that being good.
is good.
and to not be embarrassed of it.

i'm going to miss them.
and everything that they've taught me.
who knew that leaving my first year
of college was going to be so bitter sweet.

lotr.

love, j.

it's a weird feeling.

i've been waiting all year to leave this place.
i loved going home on the weekends.
and i've cried when i had to come back.
i went through a lot here that i wish i wouldn't have had to.
and i wanted to leave all that behind.

but today when i went to my last doctrines of the gospel institute class.
and really all of my monday wednesday classes.
and i had to say bye to the friends that i've made this year for the last time.
i got sad. and i didn't want to say goodbye.

i'll never see the majority of these friends ever again.
and that makes my heart sad.

i'm dreading the moment i have to say bye to the c6 boys.
to nate and jake and mikey and justin and josh.
and the way they make me happy just by being in the same room as me.
i don't want to say bye to jaxon. and his laugh.
and the way he makes me laugh.

i've had one of the funnest weeks of my life.
i learned how to long board. and i bladed around town.
and even though my bike and my other friends are at home.

i'm going to miss all the good people that i've met here.
and for all the new things that i learn from them every day.

so.
here's to college.
and everybody that i've met.
the good and the bad.

i'm sure going to miss them.

love, j.

she.

she acts like a cuss word.
she thinks she's superior to me.
she is the most annoying thing in my life right now.
she is genuinely kind.
and sometimes i wonder if she even knows my name.

twenty eight days.
love, j.

at college.

i've learned to love the sound of the dryer late at night
because it blocks out the sound of the noisy people in the front room.

i've learned to hate the front door slamming shut
because it makes my bedroom door rattle.

i've learned to live with people that i don't like and that make me feel uncomfortable.
and that pda is gross and is absolutely unnecessary in front of all of your roommates.
but that maybe if i was in their situation i would do the same thing.
so i'll just keep living through it.

i've learned that i hate sharing a room.
but by keeping "my side" organized is what keeps me sane.

i've learned that new shiny wedding rings are fun.
and even though they're really expensive, they're still really pretty.

i've learned that the most common phrase heard on campus from someone on the phone is "hi mom."
but that that phone call is the best one you can get.

i've learned that living in a small town is kind of nice.
and i would have never said that before.

i've learned that getting out of bed fifteen minutes before your class starts
and not doing your hair, makeup, or brushing your teeth
is better than waking up early and getting ready for people who don't even care.

and i've learned that if you want something done,
do it yourself.
even if it's as simple as doing the dishes in the sink.

love, j.

happy 3.14 day.

we made it good by celebrating jukey jake's birthday at dennys.

and oh boy was it fun :)

love, j.

president's day weekend.

we stopped at yogurtland on our way home.

oh how i've missed peanut butter
with strawberry and cheesecake bites.

mol, aust and i went to trafalga.

i won.

but i think this picture shows that better.

hahaha :)

p.s. he's great. we all started off right where we had left off.

i guess that happens when you're best friends.

and. he's soo excited for his mission.

and i'm excited for him.

 i'm obsessed. thank you netflix.

 i finally saw this.

and i loved it.

and this is soo cute.

i'm a hopeless romantic. but still. go see it. you'll love it.

basically if this was all tangerine chicken then this would be

what i got at joy luck's in bountiful for only $9.

i think it could have fed me for a week.

jamie. jake. mikey. matt. nate. molly.

 this is them. some of the boys from C6.

they invited us to go midnight bowling with them.

(and i have the best sister in the world who paid for me)

it was soo much fun.

i love bowling. and i love them. 

win win.

i hope your long weekend was fabulous as well.

love, j.