the truth.

is that i have absolutely no idea what i'm doing.

sometimes i feel good and i think i can let life go as it will.

and other times i think that i just wish i could know what's going to happen.

because part of me still loves him as much as i always have if not more.

and another part of me is hurt that i'm not quite sure who he is anymore.

a really big part of me knows that i just need to go.
to learn to love to grow.

and another part of me thinks about what if.

mostly i just listen to christmas music.
mixed in with taylor swifts cd.

and i miss my best friends.
and i spend all but my sleeping hours at the library.

so although i know i'll get through this crazy time of life.
because when have i ever not made it through stronger than i used to be.

i'm just really not sure how to live life right now.

because phone calls are so so nice.
and sometimes they make things more complicated.

and there's no way that i'm putting my life on hold just because he's home.

but reminding myself of that is hard sometimes.

because i think i could be happy either way.

and i know that i could grow and learn and work no matter what.

so right now life goes different than i had planned.

but only in some ways.

because in others i'm still preparing.
and reading. and learning.

i'm just doing it with completely different thoughts running through my head.

but god has always prepared me for everything.
it's just that i'm not sure what's going to be a part of my future anymore.

love and hurt and my heart and mind wanting to do different things.
is just part of life right now i guess.

love, j.

a girl who just needs to see her mom and dad.
and her two best friends.

and for finals to be over.

today.

i'm finding out more and more that life never turns out how i expected.
or even how i planned.

there's someone watching greys anatomy on the top floor of the library.
how do they have time for that?
the rest of us are here this early because we have something called finals to take.

my sister got her mission call today.
and i'm not sure that i've ever been more excited to find out where someone is going to spend the next year and a half of their life than now.

my roommates know everything about my life.
and i've never been this open with almost anyone before.

taylor swift's album red?
been on repeat everyday for the past week of my life.

but today i realized that i'm missing this short time to listen to christmas music.
and taylor swift has a holiday album..
perfect.

but really justin beiber's christmas song, drummer boy.
awesome.
we're kind of into the rap stage at my apartment right now.

conference talks.
phone calls.
picture quotes.
putting everything into homework.
realizing that i'm a little too dramatic sometimes.
best friends.
and being just friends.

makes life a whole lot easier.
even if it is "complicated" right now.

so good luck on finals.
although i need that a lot more than any of you.

school sucks.
but is totally worth it.

happy wednesday.

love, j.

my mom and my sister.

are the best.

"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." - St. John 14:27

deuces.

love, j.

the library.

the library became this place of refuge for me today.
it meant that people saw me cry.
and saw those red blotchy cheeks afterwards too.

it's where my roommates stayed with me.
and kept a smile on my face.
it's where they gave me the much needed hugs.
and gave me some of the best advice.

it was in that glass room that i cried harder than i have in a long time.
and that i talked to my mom about my weaknesses.
and the heart break that's never been more real to me.

it's where i read the scriptures.
and prayed my hardest.

it's where i talked to my best friend.
and she was there for me more than ever before.

it's where i worked on homework all day long.
because he's just not worth it not to.

it's where i felt the pain of anger to hurt to emptiness.
and where i felt my entire life change.

it's where i cried in the bathroom.
and realized that everyone is going through something hard.

it's where i was because i just couldn't stand to be alone.
and where i let the tears fall freely.

it's where i'll never think of the same again.
and where i'm going to start my life over again.
where people full of worry for finals.
and people taking surveys and making videos for missions are.

it's where i felt my lowest.
and saw so many blessings in my life.

it's where i listened to taylor swift all day.
while my phone charged and i thought a lot about life.

it's where i still am.
and where i don't want to leave.
because i'm not sure i'm strong enough to face life today.
or any day for that matter.
but it's where i'll leave.
with the best roommates this girl could ask for.
and where i'll make new memories to forget this one.

the library is a lot more than a place full of books.
and quiet spots to me today.
it's where my life is happening.
and where i'm letting all of my feelings out.

love, j.

happy list.

so when life and satan have got you down.

and you’re focusing more on how you still don’t know what you want to major in.

or where you want to transfer next.

and you’re just having one of those days

where the homesick is conquering everything else.

and you're wondering is it even possible for you to live more than an hour and a half away from home.

make a happy list.

and remember things like how more than anything you trust God.

because He knows that you’re a planner and that this patience thing is killing you.

and that even if it’s one of the hardest things you’ve ever had to do you know that when the time is right and in His own way, the way that’s just right for you, He’ll make sure you’re on the right path.

and remember even the little things like that your sister and mom still play those silly phone games with you.

and that your mom made peanut butter balls with white chocolate chips just for you.

that he gives you a ride to class everyday because he genuinely cares about you not walking home in the dark.

and that when you’re locked out of your apartment and those boys invite you to go to walmart with them that it’s some of the best times that you’ll have all year. because it’s the little things that really matter.

and that maybe that’s one of the biggest things that you’re supposed to learn here, in this little smelly town that you’ve learned to love so so much, that it’s those little things from home that you miss and it’s those little things from here that will make these two years always have a place in your heart.

because roommates are great. and they'll listen and remind you to be your best self.

even when it's reminding you to stop being a debbie downer. and they'll laugh and make doing homework or just walking home from class a better time.

and living on your own, and seeing your money go less and less is teaching you lessons that you'll never learn anywhere else.

so when life gets you down.

take it one thing at a time.

and remember.

that God has a plan for you.

that He'll never forget you.

and that He's doing what's best for you.

and i think that just might make you feel a little bit better.

love, j.

thank you.

"thank you mr. gardener for cutting me down, for loving me enough to hurt me."

"let us pray for his love inspired correction."
love, j.

people care.

it's in the late night texts.
and the "how was last night?"

it's in the enormous amount of food so that i don't starve myself.
and the light on my bicycle.

it's in the hugs.
and the "i'm so happy to see you."

it's in the time that they sacrifice.
and the hot car rides with no a/c.

it's in the activity and the memories made.
and maybe even in the money spent.

it's in the fathers blessings.
and the "be a good example.
think before you speak.
and the spirit will help you remember."

it's in the temple.
and the overwhelming feeling of peace felt there.

it's in the alone time.
and the too much watched t.v. series.

it's in the "let's have lunch."
and sleepovers.

and it's in the little things all around us.
we just have to look for them.

especially on hard days like this.

love, j.

never easy.

if there were three perfect sentences to sum up my life right now,
these would be them.

love, j.

at what point.

do you finally let go
and realize the tool he's become.

stop wishing the worst for the other girl
that he chose over you.

does your heart stop hurting.
and the tears that he doesn't even deserve stop coming.

at what point do you grow up
and move on?

please let it be soon.

love, j.

let god.

enough said?

love, j.

at times

i forget that at one time i knew this was where i was supposed to be.

especially when i spend my nights and mornings alone crying.
and when i have to spend my afternoons in my room
because i don't want to take time away from their alone time.

or when i turn off my light at ten thirty and turn it right back on at seven thirty.

and when i miss my home more than i ever knew i could.

but then i get those texts that couldn't come at a more perfect time.
and he's always there to listen even though he has his own life.

and my prayers are more heartfelt and pleading than they ever have been before.
and i know that He's listening and giving me the strength that i'm asking for.

it just takes time i think.
to get used to living here again.

love, j.

i wish

that i could take five steps back.
and not care so much.

so that it was just a crush.
and it wouldn't occupy all my thoughts and energy.
and be a part of all my plans.

i wish that i could live in every moment.
and not worry about everything else.

i wish that i could learn everything that i do at college
and still get to see my family everyday.

and that i could stop being such a complainer.
and be grateful for all of my blessings.

i wish that i could get good grades without all the stress.
and that i knew i was going to have a job that i love.

i wish that i wouldn't care so much about spending money.
and that i would be a fun person to be around.

i wish that i would decide what i want to major in.
so that taking the classes would have a definite purpose.

i wish that i would always have nice thoughts.
and that i would be kinder.

because wishes are kind of like goals.
especially if i try to make them happen.

love, j.

what if?

what if it feels like your whole world is falling apart.
but you're supposed to be strong.
and keep a smile on your face.

because they expect so high of you.
but you already know you've let them down.

and you just want to be home.
so that you can cry in your own bed.
because this one still doesn't feel like your own.
and you don't have the room to yourself anymore.

what if the tears come too easily.
and you just can't hold them in anymore.

and you've never been so scared in your life.
but you've also never had such a strong testimony.

what if you started fighting again.
and now you just don't know anymore.
when before you were so sure.

and you know that right now you just need to focus on you.
and that means not worrying about three years from now.
or even about what he's doing with his life.

what if that's one of the hardest things you've ever had to do.

and
what if this is your life?

what do you do?


love, j.

11:11

"But be careful what you wish for...

cause you just might get it."

- Pussycat Dolls

Love, J.

i'll never get my night back.

I've never hated UVU more in my life.
It's fine.
You think I could find one freakin gym.

All I wanted to do was watch him play.
Is that too much to ask for?

Obviously.

Instead I wasted my night walking around a stupid campus that I don't even go to.

And he left without even seeing me.

I was peeved.

Love, J.

prove it.

sometimes words aren't enough.

even when they're "i love you."

love, J.

"The first time you ever saw me cry."

- Taylor Swift

Love, J.

he just got it.

and I hope it's normal that I'm freaking out.


Love, J.

what I learned this week...

Have you ever wanted something to be gone so much that it's all you think about and then you realize that maybe it's here because there was something you needed to learn from it?
I've cried and raged and thought I was over it and then had the cycle repeat over and over again many times this week.
Ultimately it was my decision and I'm suffering from the consequences now but I think that Heavenly Father has something for us to learn through everything.
So, this is what I learned this week...
I've been taught many times "Do not judge others." Recently though, the Lord has put many things in my way to really make it stick.
I read President Monson's talk one Saturday called Charity Never Faileth and honestly I read it every day for the next week after that because I want to have charity in my life like he talks about. (READ IT! IT'S SOO GOOD. lds.org/Charity Never Faileth - President Thomas S. Monson)
I am self-conscious sometimes and to take care of that I judge others and that's not okay. This week made me realize that especially.
 I'm sorry for my rudeness and judgments in the past and  for the many that will come in the future because I am not perfect. This is going to be a lifelong goal and a struggle for me but I promise I'll try my hardest. :)

"Life is perfect for none of us. Rather than being judgmental and critical of each other, may we have the pure love of Christ for our fellow travelers in this journey through life. May we recognize that each one is doing her best to deal with the challenges which come her way, and may we strive to do our best to help out." - President Thomas S. Monson

love, J 

four more days.

I've been having a hard time lately.
I've had so much to do and not enough time to do it.
I probably shouldn't even be writing this right now because I don't have the time but I just wrote a beast of an email and I think I deserve a break.
I'm not trying to complain though. I love my life. I even talked to Laur about it for three hours today. I'm going through good times and my worries are not big deals. I'm grateful for times like this when I get to strengthen myself for the hard times.
I love reading other people's blogs. People are so grateful for everything around them. It makes me happy that I have such great examples around me to remind me what a great life I have.
I'll be thankful when this week is over though. I'm running on no sleep and I don't understand math and it's frustrating and it makes me want to cry all the time.
I have some good things to look forward to this week though and I'm going to focus on them instead of on all the bad things like math class.

• the seminary assembly is on wednesday and thursday and I know it will be fabulous.

• tomorrow we're going to the voicemail concert and i'm super excited.

• I get the opportunity to go to the temple this week and I can't wait.

• I know when I read my scriptures it will be a spiritual feast.

• My sister comes home on friday and I can't wait to see her. I miss her and how she makes me laugh and how she's the best listener in the entire world.

• Michael has two basketball games this week and on Wednesday I get to go with his mom and I think Whitney and Joe are coming and they always make me happy. 

• Only four more days until I can enjoy Christmas break and get caught up on sleep and i absolutely cannot wait.